My October Journal Page

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My October page took its own long, slow time to unfold. A candle image started teasing into my imagination during a meditation several months ago. I meditated some more on this candle image and it grew into thoughts on illumination and wisdom. I originally wrote about the candle illuminating and unmasking my Higher Self but this changed as I beaded the page.

November was a busy month with preparations for my jewelry show and then Thanksgiving not even a week later. So, finding time to bead was a challenge. When I actually sat down to bead, my mind was crammed full with all of the things on my “to-do” list. An inner voice kept droning on and on that I should be doing this and I should be doing that. My gremlin voice. Hmmmm… As I let my mind settle around all of these thoughts, I began to imagine my illuminated candle, not the figure, as my Higher Self. The figure represents my gremlin. Though she looks serene, almost like she is sleeping or meditating, she is always there, a ghostlike figure, watching, waiting for the perfect moment to find my cracks. She feeds on what lies in the cracks of my psyche, my guilt about not being “good enough”, a good enough artist, a good enough mother, a good enough friend, a good enough partner, a good enough person. She tells me about all of the things I should be doing and, if I don’t do them, I am a failure. I cannot get rid of this gremlin because she is a part of my psyche, my inner critic. Instead, I let the light of my Higher Self, who I truly am, illuminate her and unmask her for what she is. And then I embrace her as a part of me.

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This page was a struggle for me but it also brought me deeper into myself while I was beading it. My gremlin voice tells me that I am behind with my beading. My Higher Self tells me that I am not too far behind and it will all come together in its time.

And now I turn my attention to starting my November page which marks the halfway point on this wondrous journey.

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